Thank you. Thank you. I’m thrilled to be here, thrilled. Fantastic. I should say Toffee-Tastic.
That’s a Girl Scout cookie, and I love those cookies. Thin Mints. I could eat them all day. You know, some Girl Scouts came to the White House door selling cookies…I like that. Like that. Enterprise. Make some money while you’re a Girl Scout. I bought ten boxes off them right there. Fantastic. I ate them all myself too, right in the Oval Office. None for Melania. She’s on a diet, and if she’s not, she ought to be, believe me.
That’s what you can do when you’re President, eat whatever you like. Maybe one of your brothers is going to be President some day, or your husband. Because that’s America, it’s great, we’re making it great again, aren’t we, folks? Let’s hear it for being great again! Thank you, thank you.
I didn’t say one of you is going to be President someday, right? You know what happened the last time a girl ran, don’t you? They all said she’d win, the media, the liberal newspapers. Fake news, fake news. But you know who won, the biggest win in history. Biggest ever, that’s a fact. The whole country went red, every state. You can look it up. Fantastic. Just fantastic.
And look at the size of this crowd! Must be ten million of you. Bet the fake news is going to say there were only fifty, seventy-five in this crowd. Crazy. All fake. Can’t trust ‘em. We should lock them up, all the reporters. What do you say?
I love Girl Scouts. Really. Love ‘em, if you know what I mean. So, my friend Lou, made a lot of money, tons of money. Buying companies, selling companies, firing people. Fired a lot of people, probably fired some of your dads. That’s what happens. Got to be a winner, not a loser, folks. That’s the way the Girl Scout cookie crumbles, know what I mean. Lou bought himself a big yacht with all that money, had a bunch of Girl Scouts over to party on his yacht. Fantastic! I was there. Great party. Lou had a very… interesting life. Interesting parties, very. You know what I mean, but I’m not going to say it because you’re Girl Scouts. I’ll bet you’d like to know, though, wouldn’t ya? Sure ya would.
I saw Lou at this party the other day—another terrific party, by the way, hundreds of celebrities, great snacks. No Girl Scout cookies, though. Coulda done with them, Do-si-dos, Tagalongs, S’mores. Love those S’mores. Lou looks bad, I heard he lost all his money. And I said, “What exactly happened? Why did this happen to you? You’re one of the greatest ever in our industry. Why did this happen to you?”
And he said, “Donald, I lost my moxie. I lost my moxie.” A word you never hear, moxie. But it’s a good word.
He says “the FBI,” get this, “the FBI is investigating me and they took away my computers.”
“Lou,” I said, “that’s just the Fake Bee Eye. Listen to me, the Fake Bee Eye. I’m President and I can pardon you if I want.”
Hey, television cameras! I bet you’re not showing the size of this crowd. They don’t do that when I get a big crowd, you know. Come on, show us some faces in the crowd, but only the pretty ones, okay? Only the tens.
But then I tell him, “I can but I’m not going to. And do you know why? Cause I only pardon winners, not losers.” Don’t be a loser, okay. That’s my message today. It’s written right on your uniforms, on the sashes, on the tunics. The Girl Scout motto: “Don’t be a loser. America First.” Right there on your uniforms, anyone can read it.
I say, “Smile, Lou. Remember all those parties with the Girl Scouts.” And Lou, he’s smiling when I leave him. Smiling like he just won the lottery. How about that? Gotta love it. And you know what else I love. Caramel deLites. The best. And Lemonades. Fantastic. Oreos too. What? They’re not Girl Scout cookies? Tell that to Clarence Thomas. Good man, Clarence. But maybe I’ll fire him anyway.
This is a very, very special occasion for me. I’ve known so many Girl Scouts over the years. Winners. I’ve known so many great girls, known them…very well. They’ve been taught so well, and they love the heritage. But this is very special for me.
And I just want to end by saying, very importantly, God bless you. God bless the Girl Scouts. God Bless the United States of America. Go out, have a great time. If you’re invited to a party on a yacht, go. Why not? It’s the best. You’ll have a great time, believe me.
Thank you very much.
God bless the Girl Scouts. God bless Thin Mints. God bless S’mores.
Good night, good night.