Scoundrel Time

Hillary Clinton Visits a Fortune Teller, October 2016

Zoltar Crystal ball Fortune Teller at Luna Park, Coney Island, NY by Marie Berne


Hillary sits across from a Fortune Teller, who stares into his crystal ball.

HILLARY: Election day is close, but I can’t wait any longer! Please tell me – where am I in 2017?

FORTUNE TELLER: A vision is appearing before me. I see you…in the White House!

H: YES! Thank God! Ugh, I can’t tell you what a relief that is –

FT: Oh fuck, wait.

H: What? What is it?

FT: It’s actually a portrait of you on a wall in the White House. My bad.

H: The one where I’m in my black pantsuit?

FT: That’s the one.

H: Okay. Is actual me there, too?

FT: I do see someone… it’s… it’s… Ted Nugent.

H: Ted Nugent?

FT: Yes. And someone else. A man…

H: Is it Bill? Or Tim Kaine? Tell me it’s Tim Kaine.

FT: It’s Kid Rock.

H: Kid Rock?

FT: You know, the singer of “Batwitdaba, da bang, da bang diggy diggy-”

H: I know the song. Are they performing at a fundraiser that Bill and I are hosting?

FT: I don’t think so. Sarah Palin is with them, too.

H: Oh god.

FT: It looks like the three of them are posing sarcastically in front of your portrait.

H: Of course they are. What are they all doing together in the White House?

FT: They’ve been invited… By the president.

H: But I would never – NO. FUCKING. WAY.

FT: I am so, so sorry.

H: But… It can’t be true! Nate Silver has my chances at 71%!

FT: Hillary. I’m a supernatural being who can see into alternate dimensions of time. Nate Silver is a dude from Michigan who’s good at math.

Hillary puts her head in her hands.

H: So where do I end up after the election?

FT: I’m seeing something now. You’re in a place with lots of trees… It’s a forest.

H: Am I giving a speech against the logging industry or something?

FT: No. It looks like you’re wandering around aimlessly. And Broadway shows. You’re seeing lots of Broadway shows. It’s a needed distraction from the constant fear and frustration that will soon be part of most Americans’ daily lives.

H: How bad do things get?

FT: Let’s see… oh boy. Wow. Yep, it’s bad. It’s really, really bad…

H: What do you see??

FT: It’s too much to cover right now. But to give you an idea… by the year 2018, “Bawitdaba” is America’s national anthem.

Hillary starts crying. Even the Fortune Teller holds back tears.

H: The American people will not stand for it! There’ll be a resistance. And I’ll help to lead it!

FT: You’re right. In the year 2020, you do become a prominent leader.

H: Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Do I rise like the Phoenix and steer the Democratic Party to victory?

FT: No. In 2020, there are no “political parties,” so much as warring tribes. You’re the leader of the “Free People of the East,” a proud and barbaric group of nocturnal boat people.

H: I live on a boat?

FT: You’re one of the lucky ones. It appears that most drown in the Great Melt of 2019. By night your people roam the sea on jet skis, scavenging for food and pirating enemy ships.

H: Okay, now you’re just describing the plot of Waterworld.

FT: It is eerily reminiscent, yes.

H: Jesus Christ. WHAT HAVE WE DONE?? Please tell me there’s some dry land left on earth…

FT: There is one place… A tiny island, known only as “Covfefe.”

H: Sorry?

FT: “Covfefe.”

H: Covfefe? What does it mean?

FT: Honestly, I have no fucking clue.