Scoundrel Time

How It Ends: But Her Emails

Following his conviction for money laundering, racketeering, assault, fraud, obstruction, and treasonous plotting with foreign entities, the current White House squatter will be tossed out of the building along with his portraits (those fake Time covers) in a crowd-initiated action based on the destruction of Il Duce’s portraits as described by Calvino. The disgraced (disgraceful) imposter will be forced to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue (he hates to walk), stopping in front of the Justice Department, where he will kneel for the singing of the National Anthem by Meryl Streep. Cheering spectators will tweet unflattering photographs of his mottled pate and pelt him with rolls of paper towels. He’ll be followed by sidekick Pence, who will be required to eat his ham on white (crusts removed) under the supervision of Carmen Yulin Cruz, mayor of San Juan, and Sally Yates, who will make a point of touching him on the arms and shoulders and resting a hand on his back. Eric and Don Jr. will trail behind, both wearing T-shirts that read, “I’m With Stupid.” Sessions, McConnell, Rohrbacher, and Ryan will lead a cadre of venal Republican congressmen crawling on all fours. Their surrendered NRA dollars and Russia rubles will subsidize full funding of the ACA (aka Obamacare). They will do time in one of Sessions’ favorite private prisons, where Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway, already in residence, attempt to launch a line of skincare products called “Complexion of Evil.” Their sentence includes community service hours spent removing Confederate statues from public display. For at least three hours each day, Sessions will be locked in a room where Vicente Fox Quesada will demand his papers and ask intrusive questions about his family background and “why he should be allowed to stay in the U.S.” Jared Kushner, in the only intelligent decision of his career, will have turned witness against his father-in-law (he’ll still go to prison). Ivanka was about to drop-kick him soon, anyway, to marry Paul Ryan (but Ryan decided not to leave his wife; of course, Ivanka should have known, but she was blinded by the fake news of his puppy eyes. How weird, she thought, to experience actual emotions!). Melania will be deported, and, frankly, she’ll be happy about it. She’ll get nothing in the divorce, because there isn’t anything, now that the government has been reimbursed for the golf trips and the tasteless interior decorating. Senator Orrin Hatch will misplace his glasses. The new president, former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, will be sworn in, and there will be no one left to serve as his VP. The next morning, The New York Times will lead with, “Hillary Clinton’s Flawed Non-Presidency.”

What about the people, you say? The people will think they’ve learned their lesson.