Scoundrel Time

Neuralink v4.20 ‘Special K’ Release Notes

 

Welcome, plebeians! Thank you for being a Neuralink customer, and a special shout out to President Trump for his cooperation regarding the national, mandatory decree of installation.

Version 4.20, code-name Special K, is ready to go live, and your consciousness will soon be brought into alignment with our latest improvements:

What’s fixed

  • A bug was eliminated that was preventing some users from accessing the Two-Minute Hate.
  • Spontaneous neural impulses“thinking”will now be generated and managed by our AI software, Grok. Grok will also delineate approved neural impulsesNeuraThinks©in the voice of Ayn Rand.
  • Similarly, unauthorized recall (“memories”) will now be filtered through sensors per our content moderation guidelines. Our CEO’s hairline has always been this lustrous, and we thank you in advance for recalling this properly.
  • Some Neuralinkers have reported unplanned vocal expressions of, “Mein Führer, I can walk!” while ambulating. This bug has been squashed — everyone will say this as they march now.

What’s updated

Our new add-on rates have been finalized:

  • Premium tier users will be able to cognate free of advertisements early next year.
  • Lung function will be moving to a monthly subscription in v5.0. We are aware of our previous statements to the contrary, but we have altered the deal. Pray we do not alter it further.
  • Serotonin+ will increase to $24.99 per month, owing to ongoing supply chain issues. Feel happy whenever you wish, all for less than the cost of Meta’s Legs upgrade.
  • Buy two erections at $9.99 each and get the third for half offto be delivered at random!
  • Knee flexion beyond thirty degrees can now be yours for the low, low price of $14.99 per month. Defecate in luxury, just like the aristocrats: sitting down.

What’s new

  • Auto-insemination of the female species has been switched to mid-April for last names starting with the sixth or ninth letters of the alphabet (lol).
  • Ride of the Valkyries will now softly play in the background when Neuralink detects you engaging with our other products. Conversely, the Benny Hill theme song will auto-play when Neuralink detects you resisting our control.
  • Klingon will now serve as the official support language for help desk inquiries. The TITS System (Text IThe Slavic Language, also know as Russian) remains the default user language.
  • Lecherous and duplicitous were tweaked to display more expressiveness in your Facial Emoji and Expression package. Our less-popular countenances, such as joycontentment, and equanimity, are slated for removal in the near future.
  • New positive emotions about the design, drivability, and sex appeal of the Cybertruck have been uploaded for immediate dissemination and appreciation, per our Terms of Service.

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Zack Ehrmann was born and raised in Milwaukee, WI and currently resides in Brooklyn, NY. He hails from a long line of talented writers and has resolved to work hard enough to only be considered a mere embarrassment by way of comparison.

His writing has appeared in New York Magazine, The Wisconsin Review, Johnny America, and elsewhere.  Check out his stuff at itszacknotzach.com.

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Image Cropped From: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/49/Elon_Musk_2015.jpg