Scoundrel Time

The President Rewrites Classic Proverbs

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words really piss me off. Fuck you, Alec Baldwin.

The tweet is mightier than the sword.

Two’s company, three’s a crowd. Four is just Ivanka casually sitting in on this meeting. Don’t worry about Ivanka.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. If you live in a gold house, there are no stupid rules about stones.

Birds of a feather flock together and then die by flying into wind turbines, which is why we shouldn’t invest in wind energy.

A man is not the sum of his words but the sum of his actions, whereas a woman is the sum of her words and actions and whether she’s over 35 or not.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in offshore prisons.

A picture of Heidi Cruz side by side next to Melania is worth a thousand words.

There’s no place like home. Sleeping over at the White House is all right, too, if you like small houses.

Practice is for losers.

All good things must come to an end, unless you go on a thank-you tour.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, except if they are beholding Rosie O’Donnell. No one has ever seen beauty in Rosie O’Donnell.

A penny saved is a penny you’ll never have to declare on your taxes if you exploit several corporate tax loopholes.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can teach Mitt Romney to roll over.

An apple a day keeps you in astonishingly excellent health. Just amazing health.

The face is the index of the mind. The fingerprint is the index of the Muslim registry.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Spread them out into untraceable baskets around the globe.

Good things come in small packages. Not that kind, trust me, I have no trouble in that department.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, unless your imitation sucks. I’m talking to you, Alec.