Scoundrel Time

You Don’t Know Until You Test It


If a Cheerio rolls under the refrigerator, I think I’d stick my hand under to get it out. It’s scary what’s under a fridge, believe me. And I’m human. But I wouldn’t hesitate.

I see it all the time from my sky box at Yankee Stadium. A foul ball goes screaming into the stands and everybody ducks and, of course, it hits a kid. Sad. But I have to say, I’d take that ball every time. Every. Time. To save the kid. Children – don’t we all agree? – are our future.

I told Melania after we saw Titanic, I would have breast-stroked through the North Atlantic to rescue Kate Winslett. Absolutely.

Up the stairs in the World Trade Center? You bet. If I’d’ve been there.

You don’t believe me? Look, once at Mar-a-Lago, there was this kitten some forty feet up in a tree. Yowling. Yowling! My heart went out to it. Really did. So I called Diego away from his lawn work, and together we rescued that sad kitten. No one’s ever held a ladder tighter than I held that ladder. No one. Diego did a great job, too. Climbed that ladder like a pro, like he was going over a wall, I tell you.

You’ve seen Jaws? If I’d been on the beach that night, with that beautiful woman skinny-dipping, that shark would have wished he’d picked a different movie. But I wasn’t on the beach that night, and you know why? Neither do I. Go ask Steven Spielberg.

Melania reminded me that the North Atlantic is a very cold ocean, which is true. Very true. Probably I could handle it. Really, I think I could. I don’t ever feel cold. I’m very well insulated. And I’d still want to save Kate Winslett. I’d dive in.

I’ve heard that people stick their hands in garbage disposals after a measuring spoon falls in. I’d do that, too, believe me, I wish I could! But my hands are just too big to fit in that little space.

Now that I think about it, my hand wouldn’t fit under the fridge, either. Bye bye, little Cheerio.

You know and I know and everyone knows that it would have been very easy to take that spear away from the centurion and force Pontius Pilate to haul Jesus off that cross. Things would have been very different if I’d been there, let me tell you.

Sharks between me and Kate? Wouldn’t matter. Not whales either. Let me tell you: Ahab would still have his leg if I’d been a harpooner on that boat, believe me. Liddle Moby Dick.

You don’t know, it’s true. But I think I would. But you don’t know. How can you know? How can anyone know? Really, if you think about it, you can’t even imagine.

That’s correct. You are absolutely correct. Kate Winslett: not my type. I’d still rescue her. Doesn’t matter. You see? I’m more impressive than even I thought.